Countdown(s)

Let the countdowns begin. Count downs until the end of school, until moving day, until new beginnings. We have a lot of change happening at my house currently.

Last week I signed a purchase agreement for my very own home. I am excited (and a little terrified) to be making such a commitment. However, life moves on, and I am ready for my life to move in this way. I am excited about decorating how I want, creating my own space, and having a place to call my own. I am also happy that my new home will be close to friends and people that I call "family".

We also found out last week that L and J have been selected to adopt again! Little J is going to be a big brother! He is going to have a brother AND a sister! TWINS!

The twins are to be born via C section on May 15th, so things are happening pretty quickly. There really isn't much that we can prepare in the house, just in case things don't work out. However, we are quickly cleaning out closets, making garage sale piles, packing my things into boxes and making "just in case" lists.

I know time will go quickly. I will need to keep the balance between counting down to new beginnings and cherishing the moments that belong to here and now.

dominoes

Sometimes I feel like life is like a set of dominoes. It can be good or it can be bad. Just never sure until things land.

Right now at school I am waiting. Waiting for the dominoes to land. See where people end up and make my decision based on how things end up. It might not be the best strategy or even a good one, but I am sticking to it. A lot of my new job depends on those around me. I want to see who those people will be. I want to be with a  team of people who want to work together for the good of kids. It sounds easy, but it isn't always how things work out. Even though we all have good intentions, sometimes we let our own agenda or feelings get in the way. I want to be with people who remind me of the kids. I want people who make time to brainstorm and plan and strategize around what can be improved and how things can be set up for success. I'm done with complainers and nit-pickers.

In my personal life I am also waiting. For a myriad of things. However, the biggest right now is a house. I scour the internet looking for new listings each night. I drive the streets of my town looking for neighborhoods that are close to friends, feel safe, and look well kept. I go with my realtor time after time weighing the pros and the cons. Put in an offer? What kind of offer? What changes would I make? What are my non-negotiables? Will my offer be enough for the seller?

You see, it's all just dominoes-- waiting for the dominoes to land.

 Then I can really plan.

tired.

head nodding

eye drooping

low functioning

tired.

slow reacting

head pounding

jammy wearing

tired.

clock ignoring

routine altering

life ignoring

tired.

hello pillow

hello blankets

hello quiet

sleep.

hello rest

hello stillness

hello comfort

sleep.

Good bye tired!

Habits

It's funny how habits evolve over time. Everyone has different ones. Everyone changes theirs. I am sure if they were studied, people would come up with generalizations or meanings behind them. People could be labeled and compartmentalized because of them. I wonder what mine have said about me over time.

I always lock my car doors. No matter where I am.

When I taught first grade I liked to keep my classroom unlocked. I got annoyed when the custodians would lock it at night. With my new position, I keep my "office" locked every night. There are too many confidential documents to risk.

I used to come home from school, get on the computer and read "Yahoo News". Now I look at real estate websites and weigh pros and cons of price, square footage and neighborhoods.

Every Sunday I talk to my mom. No matter what. Now my sister, mom and I "google chat" so we can all see each other and catch up.

I used to get up and get to school early, making sure I was prepared for the day ahead. Now, I never know what will come at me in the day, so I don't go until closer to start time, but I stay LATE.

I put away laundry and set out my clothes for the next day every Sunday evening. I like to think I am prepared for the week because of it. 

When pulling in to a parking space, I try to always pull in to the right.

I go the same route through the grocery store, no matter how much or how little is on my list.

I wear earrings every day.

Packing my clothes and driving to Ohio to see family are done the same way, every time.

When eating Starburst jelly beans, I always separate them by color and eat the color groups in the same order.

Now that I look back through these habits, I am not sure if they make me more interesting or more boring. Or does it matter?

20/20

Sometimes you don't know what you want until it's not an option anymore. Then start the "what ifs" and "shoulda's". I keep telling myself that "what's done is done" (another well intentioned cliché), and "it wasn't meant to be". However, my heart is just sad.

I am sure at another point in life I will look back at this time, this feeling, maybe even this very post and think "I had to go through that". Hindsight... I guess it really is 20/20. I am sure it will continue to be.

But for the time being, no matter what my head says, my heart is low. It's pace has been thrown off. My hope is fading.

Define

Courage: (defined by Merriam-Webster's online dictionary),

"mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty"

 

 I have seen other slicers take on words that mean something to them. I have seen them declare that a word is theirs for a period of time. I never really understood. Until now. I appreciated the idea, saw that it might be valuable at some point. But I didn't feel like it was for me. There was no pull, no attachment, no word.

Until now. I started this challenge with a tribute to my grandmother and how her example of  Courage inspired me. Throughout these 31 days of writing, the theme of courage has been running through my mind. In life. In work. In relationships. In decisions. There was always Courage nagging at me, showing up, and making her presence known.

I never would have told people before that I was a person who had a lot of fears. I still wouldn't characterize myself as that way. However, maybe I have made a front for those fears. I'm not sure. Either way, the time for courage is now.

Courage to be myself- whoever that may be- despite my company.

Courage to make tough decisions.

Courage to love those around me the way they need it.

Courage to laugh at myself- even if no one else is!

Courage to live my life to the fullest.

Courage to let others be themselves and appreciate them that way.

Courage to change in myself the things that need work.

Courage to love myself the way I am.

Courage to push down the fears and take the risk.

Courage to live- and not regret.

Courage to live life with purpose.



A couple of weeks ago I ran across this quote on a fellow slicer's blog:

"A ship in port is safe,
but that's notwhat ships are built for,"

--Rear Admiral Grace Murray Hopper
I immediately liked it. But as I ran my eyes over the words again and again, a new meaning came to me. There has to be Courage. Courage to take that ship out and let it be used for its purpose.

Courage to not always be safe.

I hope that as I continue to live my life day to day, I keep Courage. Courage in the small things and Courage in the monumental things. Courage for me. Courage for others.

This doesn't mean that I will be absent of fear- but rather not letting it stop me. Living my purpose. Living with Courage.

Love at First Sight

I spent my day traveling around the city seeing new babies. Two of my cousins welcomed new little girls into their lives this past week. I am glad to be able to visit this week and meet the next generation of family that I will get to watch grow and change. It is always exciting, and a little shocking to see the "kids" I grew up with having littles of their own!

Seeing, meeting, and holding these precious ones got me to thinking about some other special people in my life and how I fell in love. 4 times over. Sounds a little overboard, right? Like I can't commit?

Well, it's quite the opposite. These four boys each stole my heart in a different way. They each hold a piece of me: they call me "Auntie". I can still remember the first time I laid eyes and fingers and heart onto each one of them.

Kole Thomas was born when I was a Junior in college. Sister was not supposed to have him for another 6 weeks, but he had a little secret plan of his own. Mom and Stepdad had to quickly drop off my things at my dorm room endure the 4 hour drive home to meet the new little love. He was teeny. Just passing the 5 pound mark, he was in the NICU for several days after birth. Luckily, I was able to come home the very next weekend to meet this little guy who made me into an Auntie first.

I can't believe that now he is a 2nd grader. He loves Star Wars, Katie Perry, wrestling with his brothers and dad, and playing the piano. He is sweet, kind, and tender hearted.

Second to join the ranks was Reid Christopher. He was born in the fall of my Senior year of college. By then I was living in a house off campus with some friends and I got a call from mom late one night that Sis had gone to the hospital. This one was not as dramatic. He had decided to stay inside for the duration. Still, I was hours away and had to wait a day or two to visit. In fact, for this one, they were still in the hospital!

Now he is in Kindergarten. He loves magazines, books, and any type of reading material. He often takes something to "read" any time he goes in the car. He is notorious for getting motion sick! He has had to learn to stick up for himself. But, he is my cuddler. He loves to snuggle. He wears his hear ton his sleeve at all times. This year he has grown passionate about guitar. Hopefully he will continue that passion into the rest of his life.

Third is our "little Amish boy", Will Michael. He was born during my 3rd year of teaching. By a stroke of good timing, I happened to be home in Ohio the weekend he was born. Unfortunately, I was home to celebrate the life of a good famiy friend who had recently passed away. Even though the occassion was bittersweet, I remember being exstatic at getting to see this little on the actual day of his birth- not something that I was able to do for the two previous.

He is now a rambunctious 3 year old. He tries to stick up for himself with his two older brothers. He loves to play with the dog, suck his thumb and cuddle up to his mama. He is often known to strip down and run around the house without any clothes on! He has the bluest of eyes and the hair the color of cornstalks. He is a true sweetie!
Last year presented another opportunitiy. My dear friends adopted a little boy, Josiah Tucker. They were fortunate enough to be present at his birth and were able to care for him from the moment he was born. I remember getting the text at 2:30 a.m. saying "thunder cats-a-go" which was our code word for the baby's arrival. I was all mixed up about this one. I wanted him in our lives more than anyting else, but was hesitant about the future. See, I live with these friends. This baby would change all of our lives. It didn't take more than a second for me to realize that all of my fears and worries were for not. I was meant to be his Auntie. Meant to teach him silly games, tickle him, and smother him with kisses.

He is now almost 20 months old. He loves to read "Where's Spot?", pretend to talk on the phone, play on the computer, and run around like a crazy man. He steals my heart each day as he "gets ready" with me in the bathroom, tells me 'byebye' when I leave for work, and greets me when I arrive at home. I am constantly amazed at how he grows and learns and develops. He is a true joy.

So, there you have it: my four loves. I was destined to be theirs. They were destined to be mine. Each in their own unique way. For life.